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Jim May - Midland Reporter-Telegram 02/13/2005
DEAR FAMILY: Is there such a thing as male PMS? I swear my husband has it. Things at our house will be going along normally and all of a sudden he's "Mr. Sensitive" and everything anyone does makes him mad. I just don;t get it. Yesterday he decided that our 2-year-old was making too much noise so he told him to "shut up." Then I told him that we don't tell anyone to "shut up" (just like we have both agreed) and then he's on me. I finally had enough and then I snapped and we had a giant battle in front of both kids and he wound up driving off for a few hours.
When he came home I tried to apologize but he wouldn't accept my apology so I haven't spoken to him since. The kids are still upset over it and so I try to be normal around them but I'm not. I'm sick of this. I'm willing to accept the fact that there are things I do that aren't right either, but this has got to stop. We have been married almost six years and he's done this (or something like it) just like clock work about once a month. Another of my girlfriends swears her husband has PMS, too. Is there something that can be done or is this just my imagination? - SICK OF HIS PMS
DEAR SICK: Actually there is something akin to male PMS and that is identified as irritable male syndrome (IMS) by author Jed Diamond. He defines IMS as "a state of hypersensitivity, frustration, anxiety, and anger that occurs in males and is associated with biochemical changes, hormonal fluctuations, stress, and a loss of male identity." Other research identifies a similar phenomenon as associated with a depressive cycle wherein the male becomes agitated and anxious. As you would expect, most males deny that there is such a problem and typically respond with something like, "I wouldn't be mad if you would do (or not do)'"
Diamond identifies a number of male hormonal cycles including:
- Men's testosterone, which goes up and down four or five times an hour.
- Daily cycles, with testosterone being higher in the morning and lower at night.
- A monthly hormonal cycle that is unique to each man.
- Seasonal cycles with testosterone higher in November and lower in April.
- Hormonal cycles between 40 and 55 that have been called male menopause or andropause.
- Hormonal changes related to stressors in a man's life.
He goes on to point out that such things as weight gain, stress, and certain medications can cause problems in the hormone levels. You can find out more at Diamond's Web site, www.theirritablemale.com.
I would encourage you to calmly discuss your concerns with your husband and perhaps even share what you learn on the Web site with him. That first discussion rarely goes well - it is much akin to talking to a woman about her PMS - but it is a start. Most people, when told they have some observed cyclical volatility, respond with denial and excuses for the behavior.
To that end, I have found it helpful to keep a daily "mood/event" diary of your observations of your spouse's mood and events/actions of the day. After a few months of data, you should be able to see a pattern if it exists. Try talking to him again with facts in hand.
As an aside, my wife always said that I had PMS, too. I denied it. But it was not until I was studying depression in graduate school and read of the agitated form of depression that I was willing to keep my own daily mood/event diary. After a few months it became obvious from the data that I did have an agitated cycle (depression) that occurred about every 15 days for three days. Once I saw that, we had a family meeting and discussed ways that I would deal with my agitation with the family's help. I highly recommend pursuing your concerns with your husband; home life can be a lot better.
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